The Diary of a Broken Man

[Neon]

Entry One:

Dear Ryan,

You will never read this book. I say this only because when I am done, I believe I will burn it. I wish you could know these secrets, those of my heart that has always been yours.

I came back to work for you today. I am overjoyed to be back here, after so very long, and was truly expecting you to have forgotten me. I was so glad you did not. It has been what, ten years now? I have thought of you every single day, without fail.

When I saw you, I felt my heart stop, and could not believe that the boy I had so cherished grew into the man that now stood before me. You were always handsome, to be sure, but I never imagined so very handsome.

I learned that you are a bit of a... "player," which, I am ashamed to admit, made jealously flare in my heart...

I must be going, but I will tell more as it goes.

Forever Yours,

Vladimir Dimitrius

[Neon]

Entry Ten

Dear Ryan,

Oh how you vex me. Today I had to pull a strange woman from your bed, again. I know it is not my place, but it hurts so terribly to think of how they could never appreciate... how you could never understand... I would die for you, to tell you how I feel if I knew it was reciprocated. For a small gesture of affection.

I know it is silly, and just a phase that will pass. I only hope it is soon...

Why does it hurt so badly to think of this....?

[the rest was illegible]

[Neon]

Entry Twelve

Dear Ryan,

Today, my life changed. A fellow servant, who I suppose thought himself to be close to me, told me he loved me. I did not feel the same. However, as I was about to say as much, I thought of how I would feel, to be turned down by the one I adore most in the world.

To my everlasting shame, I lied to that poor boy.

I am so very sorry, but am determined to remain till he tires of me. I can only pray he sees who I truly am in time to avoid too much pain.

I only wish I didn't have to be lying.

Yours,

Vladimir

[Neon]

Entry Twenty-Four

[only what was mostly legible could be transcribed]

Ryan,

I apologize for the poor quality this time around. There was
[...]
I would lose the other in a heartbeat
[...]
I will learn, and will try to still be the best
[...]

I hope you think no less of me.

Always Yours,

Vlad

[Neon]

Entry Thirty

Dear Ryan,

Today you met a lovely young lady by the name of Fae. She claims to be the daughter of some elf king. You refused to believe her. I knew better.

You nearly tried to sleep with me. Twice. And, I refused. Thinking back, I do not know how I managed it. I suppose that the thought of you regretting any of it later simply hurt more than the longing. I think. I hope.

You will never, in a sober state anyway, feel the same towards myself that I do for you. It is impossible. I... I am a servant, and you the next king.

This girl will be good for you, should things work out. I hope they do.

I don't know if I am lying to myself when I say that.

Your Servant,

Vladimir Dimitrius

[Neon]

Entry Thirty-Two

Dear Ryan,

Today was your wedding.

I didn't know I could fake such joy, while hurting so terribly.

Your Servant,

Vladimir Dimirtius

[Neon]

Entry Thirty Three

Dear Ryan,

In all of my life, I have never been as frightened as I was today. I very nearly lost you, and with yourself, I nearly lost my own humanity.

It is clear to me now that I can no longer remain so close to you. If my feelings are to remain private, if I am to be able to see you at all, I must distance myself. I don't know how I will manage it.

All I am sure of, is that as I hear you with your new wife, as with so many women before, I can feel nothing but pain and anger and jealousy. And it truly truly frightens me.

Sincerely,

Your Servant.

[Neon]

Entry Forty

Your Highness,

Today your children were born. A boy and girl, whom it is obvious you love very much.

It reminded me that I can never have that happiness ever again. We could never have children. Again, she is the best choice.

She was the only choice
....

I adopted a baby girl. Kenny's long lost daughter. Thh I love this child, and, despite all odds, I honestly do care for her father, even if not as he believes. I don't know how I can continue to decieve him, nor myself.

Your Friend,

Vlad

[Neon]

Entry Forty Nine

Dearest Ryan,

...Kenny is dead, and all I can think of is how we very nearly ended up sleeping together on his bedroom floor. I don't know how I managed to get out, but I no longer can deny that I wanted it.

I don't know that I can keep refusing you.

I don't know that I want to.

Yours,

Vladimir

[Neon]

Entry Fifty


My Ryan,

I love you,

I love you,

I love you.

I always have, and I always will.

Good night, my sweet prince. I plan to follow shortly.

Eternally Yours,

Vladdy