Post by Dimentio on Oct 2, 2011 9:12:51 GMT -5
I've never felt...well, I've never felt human.
I've always been asexual. Never attracted to anything. No interest in sex.
I've never understood human attraction. I've never been able to quite grasp how it is that someone can find someone else "attractive". Most of what I hear is attractive seems rather disgusting actually.
I've never understood human emotion very well. I never knew what it was like to be happy growing up, even when I probably should have. When I received gifts of praise, material things...nothing. I felt nothing. It means nothing. When I would be around others, I was not happy. I only felt sadness. And anger. And loneliness. And that is still, for the most part, how I feel. The only difference is, I now know what makes me happy; making others happy. And being loved. That's it.
I understand a lot more about life than the average person. Complex philosophies regarding the truths in our world come easy to me, whereas others cannot seem to wrap their brains around such concepts.
I've never been okay with my sex. I'm male by birth...but it doesn't feel right. Growing up, I never understood the sexual divisions, and I made friends with both females and males. I've never really related to males. But...I don't relate to females either. I tend to like your average female better than your average male, and the vast majority of my friends are female, and all of my close friends are female. But often times I feel excluded. Simple things as having separate bathrooms sends me into depressed spirals, and enrages me. I hate being regarded as male. I hate it. I don't feel male.
Sometimes I wish I was female. Sometimes I wish I was born as a female. There's a lot about being female that I like. I like the more slender form of a female. Being shorter, more childlike. Women are less serious than men, and I like that. You see a man be goofy and silly, and it's weird. See a girl, and it's fine. It's normal.
But there's much I also dislike about females. And I cannot relate to them. There's much I enjoy about males. But much I also dislike. I do not feel I can relate to males either.
I hate it when my friends call me "him, he, ect.". It hurts me. I hate it when they treat me like a man. But I also equally hate it when they treat me like a woman, though it's a little more bearable (but that's probably because most of my friends are girls, so it makes me feel a little more accepted). But only a bit, not much to make a difference.
I hate being seen as either sex. I don't feel like I'm either. I feel just...in-human. Otherworldly. That's how I wish I would be seen. I wish I looked androgynous in appearance, with an androgynous voice, androgynous body, androgynous face, ect. I wish I had no genitalia. I wish...I wish I wasn't human. I don't feel human, and don't strive to be perceived as human. I try to be seen as just the opposite.
You know what I truly wish? I wish I was an angel. An androgynous, spiritual being. And my only purpose was just to be there for people and help them, and make them happy. To be with everyone. To help everyone, and be accepted by everyone.
I hate it when I'm treated like a man, or told something like "If only you were a girl", or "you make a better girl than a guy", ect. It makes me weep, and sometimes lash out with intense anger. It really deeply hurts me. What's more, when I tell people this, they tell me to get over it.
But I can't! I can't fix this. I can't change the way I feel, no more than can a homosexual change their attraction. I just feel empty being treated as human. Being labeled. It hurts. A lot. And I get really depressed about this. Even now, writing this, I'm tearing up again. Sometimes my depression gets so bad I want to die. And I'll spend hours just thinking about dying, and planning my own death. Once I even tried but failed, because of outside forces. I'm so depressed. I'm so lonely. I don't feel right, I don't feel natural.
And I have no one to relate to. I don't know of anyone who feels this way. I just feel...empty. Wrong. And I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do...
I don't even know why I'm making this topic. I don't know what I hope to have come out of it. I don't even know what I'm trying to say, other than...well, that I hurt. I'm hurting, and no matter how much I cry out, I don't get help. I'm lost and I don't understand.
I've always been asexual. Never attracted to anything. No interest in sex.
I've never understood human attraction. I've never been able to quite grasp how it is that someone can find someone else "attractive". Most of what I hear is attractive seems rather disgusting actually.
I've never understood human emotion very well. I never knew what it was like to be happy growing up, even when I probably should have. When I received gifts of praise, material things...nothing. I felt nothing. It means nothing. When I would be around others, I was not happy. I only felt sadness. And anger. And loneliness. And that is still, for the most part, how I feel. The only difference is, I now know what makes me happy; making others happy. And being loved. That's it.
I understand a lot more about life than the average person. Complex philosophies regarding the truths in our world come easy to me, whereas others cannot seem to wrap their brains around such concepts.
I've never been okay with my sex. I'm male by birth...but it doesn't feel right. Growing up, I never understood the sexual divisions, and I made friends with both females and males. I've never really related to males. But...I don't relate to females either. I tend to like your average female better than your average male, and the vast majority of my friends are female, and all of my close friends are female. But often times I feel excluded. Simple things as having separate bathrooms sends me into depressed spirals, and enrages me. I hate being regarded as male. I hate it. I don't feel male.
Sometimes I wish I was female. Sometimes I wish I was born as a female. There's a lot about being female that I like. I like the more slender form of a female. Being shorter, more childlike. Women are less serious than men, and I like that. You see a man be goofy and silly, and it's weird. See a girl, and it's fine. It's normal.
But there's much I also dislike about females. And I cannot relate to them. There's much I enjoy about males. But much I also dislike. I do not feel I can relate to males either.
I hate it when my friends call me "him, he, ect.". It hurts me. I hate it when they treat me like a man. But I also equally hate it when they treat me like a woman, though it's a little more bearable (but that's probably because most of my friends are girls, so it makes me feel a little more accepted). But only a bit, not much to make a difference.
I hate being seen as either sex. I don't feel like I'm either. I feel just...in-human. Otherworldly. That's how I wish I would be seen. I wish I looked androgynous in appearance, with an androgynous voice, androgynous body, androgynous face, ect. I wish I had no genitalia. I wish...I wish I wasn't human. I don't feel human, and don't strive to be perceived as human. I try to be seen as just the opposite.
You know what I truly wish? I wish I was an angel. An androgynous, spiritual being. And my only purpose was just to be there for people and help them, and make them happy. To be with everyone. To help everyone, and be accepted by everyone.
I hate it when I'm treated like a man, or told something like "If only you were a girl", or "you make a better girl than a guy", ect. It makes me weep, and sometimes lash out with intense anger. It really deeply hurts me. What's more, when I tell people this, they tell me to get over it.
But I can't! I can't fix this. I can't change the way I feel, no more than can a homosexual change their attraction. I just feel empty being treated as human. Being labeled. It hurts. A lot. And I get really depressed about this. Even now, writing this, I'm tearing up again. Sometimes my depression gets so bad I want to die. And I'll spend hours just thinking about dying, and planning my own death. Once I even tried but failed, because of outside forces. I'm so depressed. I'm so lonely. I don't feel right, I don't feel natural.
And I have no one to relate to. I don't know of anyone who feels this way. I just feel...empty. Wrong. And I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do...
I don't even know why I'm making this topic. I don't know what I hope to have come out of it. I don't even know what I'm trying to say, other than...well, that I hurt. I'm hurting, and no matter how much I cry out, I don't get help. I'm lost and I don't understand.
