W.I.P. story *harsh criticism accepted*

[Dokeshi]

I have decided to post a story I have started working on all criticism will be accepted as constructive than you for your time.

The winds were slowly circulating throughout the town of Moon-shroud. Nearly all of its residents laid in sleep never to wake again. This town consisted of about thirty buildings built out of the wood from the nearby forest. The skies above the town were ravaged by a swirling tempest of dark black clouds ,which emanated a foreboding aura. At the epicenter of this monstrous storm stood a lone figure clad in a cloak, colored by ash. Around the figure the buildings were greatly damaged and covered in a dark black soot, no flames could be seen. The figure, covered in the ashen cloth clutched an object that glowed dimly. The dark shadows cast upon the world were broken only by its dim light. The figures grinning maw was filled with sadistic daggers that reflected the artifact's light.
Slowly approaching the last breathing villager the figure flipped him over, and placed a cold dagger on the terrified villager's face. Staring into his frenzied eyes the figure spoke in a soft whisper," Crimson red, do not worry, You'll soon be dead." The figure retrieved a dagger and a silver chord from a black pouch. he bound a burnt piece of parchment to the dagger as he placed his hand on the villager's shoulder. He quickly brought the blade down, piercing the villager and sinking into the ground. Blood splashed into the air like a fountain. He liked a stray drop of blood off of his finger and retreated into the forest. The wolves were crying to their mother moon, and the carrion crows heartily devoured their fleshy feast.

[Deleted]

Jan 21, 2010 22:20:24 GMT -5 Dokeshi said:

I have decided to post a story I have started working on all criticism will be accepted as constructive than you for your time.

The winds were slowly circulating throughout the town of MoonShroud. Nearly all of its residents laid in sleep, never to wake again. This town consisted of about thirty buildings built out of wood from the nearby forest. The skies above the town were ravaged by a swirling tempest of dark black clouds, which emanated a foreboding aura. At the epicenter of this monstrous storm stood a lone figure clad in a cloak, colored by ash. Around the figure, the buildings were greatly damaged and covered in a dark black soot, though no flames could be seen. The figure, covered in the ashen cloth clutched an object that glowed dimly. The dark shadows cast upon the world were broken only by its dim light. The figure's grinning maw was filled with sadistic daggers that reflected the artifact's light.
Slowly approaching the last breathing villager the figure flipped him over, and placed a cold dagger on the terrified villager's face. Staring into his frenzied eyes, the figure spoke in a soft whisper," Crimson red, do not worry, You'll soon be dead." The figure retrieved a dagger and a silver chord from a black pouch. he bound a burnt piece of parchment to the dagger as he placed his hand on the villager's shoulder. He brought the blade quickly down, piercing the villager and sinking into the ground. Blood splashed into the air like a fountain. He licked a stray drop of blood off his finger and retreated into the forest. The wolves were crying to their mother moon, and the carrion crows heartily devoured their flesh feast.

Judging grammar and spelling, not content. Fixes are made in quote..

Oh, and I thought the town's name would be better without the hyphen, so that too.

[Rachel]

Write moar Crow. D:<
I disagree with Jared, I think it's better with the hyphen, but Shroud with a capital letter.
I like your use of metaphors. And my screwed up head approves of your character.

[Dokeshi]

lol I kind of scrapped this story....I'll do something with it soon and I'll post it... I'm gonna post more stories soon

[Rachel]

Heh, I like your stories. They're always lovely and dark. ^^

[Dokeshi]

The limp body of the king sat, impaled to his throne by the blade of his only child. Behind the king sat a human-like being, with pure ivory flesh and grand wings, a black ooze dripped out of its mouth and the many lacerations on its chest. Though in the center of the room, sat a corpse much more noticeable which was shrouded in a black mist. The face was one of the only things visible, a horrid grin painted onto its face, it's body was full of many blades, resembling a common pin cushion. On the wall two men were sitting on the wall, catching their breathe from the excruciating conflict they had just participated in. One of the men was the king's own son, the other was a stranger, his face in the shade and unnoticeable. The prince then fell into a deep slumber and awoke in three days time, that was when he spoke to me, and I recorded his tale, of his desperate crawl back to power, ad how he killed a god.
His story begins with his banishment, sentenced upon him for heresy due to the continued faith in the dark goddess. The once regal prince found himself humbled and bruised, working among slaves and convicts. He accepted his fate and worked hard for many weeks, there was no hope of him returning as long as his father believed in this new god of light. Though one night. As he tried to drift into comforting slumber a voice disrupted him. Wearily, The young one's eyes opened, only to find the most beautiful maiden he had ever seen and she spoke to him in a soft motherly voice," Noble prince, you are about to get a chance to reclaim your throne, you must. Human emotions have brought about a tempest of destruction and gave birth the the fallen ones, their power rivals our own and you will be our tool to rid the world of their evil, for tonight rest, things will become clearer." With that she was gone and the prince soon found himself being dragged out of bed by his neck. Looking up in desperation the prince saw the rough black hood of an executioner. Struggling, the prince tried to worm out of his grasp, which succeeded in making him angry as he tightened his iron vice and soon threw the prince down, lifting a large metal axe high into the sky. As it came down for his neck he suddenly knew what he needed to do and swung his arms in an arc, changing the path of the deadly weapon and breaking the iron shackles restraining him. He then wrenched the axe out of the ground and severed the shackles on his ankles and grunted in exertion. Panting now the prince looked up at the executioner who was now charging at him and grasped the handle again using all of his strength, seasoned by his labor to rip the axe from the ground once more, the black hood and the head inside flew off to the left as the body crumpled on itself where it stood.
Raising his fists into the air our young prince rallied those who worked by his side for the month he had been there and yelled out to them," My Father is blinded by the light, we will show him the true way and the error he has found himself in, today is the first step on the march to the truth!" scattered cheers were heard and those imprisoned in the camp fought back against the guards, with the help of makeshift weapons and new found hope. Glazed by a light layer of sweat the prince soon found himself at the docks. The remaining guards had already fled and left their navy to fend for themselves, with light "persuasion" the prince and those among the slaves who wished to travel by sea obtained transport. A total of 12 people came to join the prince on his voyage, one of which was an old man with eyes completely white, no imperfections could be found. The man wore a dirty grey robe that matched his long old hair. The prince saw this man and the way he looked at him was as if he knew him his entire life," Welcome aboard old-timer." was the only words spoken between them and they, along with the 11 others set about preparing for their voyage. Nothing eventful happened for many days but one night during a storm the prince was woken from his sleep, he found his head resting in a woman's lap and she was gently caressing his head before speaking to him, it was the same woman as the night before his appointed execution. Her words were simply a warning that not all is as it seems to be and for him to be aware of anything out of the ordinary.
Sleep then took the prince, awaking on the floor, ensnared by his blanket. He donned his clothing and strapped a blade to his waist, going about his routine morning rounds. There were an abundance of flesh eating fish circling the boat, much more than normal. He was greeted by many faces and greeting, though one of his men seemed tired this morning and didn't say much, the prince gave him the day off and set about his duties. The next man he approached was the old man with the white eyes who looked at him and spoke," It seems you aren't very good at noticing signs...maybe you will be able to stop him before the entire crew is gone." With that the man left the prince to his thoughts.Though he didn't have much time as his private thinknigs were interupted by a bone chilling scream. He came to one of the crewsmen laying dead on the deck, the fish were swarming against the side of the boat which was dripping with the blood of the man.

[Dokeshi]

Saint Bartholomew's Hospital, the melancholy walls of pure gray showed no signs of life, and seemed to radiate a bone chilling cold. Though housed in this rather uninviting structure was a pinnacle in medicinal researches. And one such breakthrough brought in the help of a rather useless substances of the time, The substance which was now being utilized goes by the name of Mercury, and Saint Bartholomew's was the first to get their grubby, latex covered hands on it. The use of Mercury was only used for dire cases, the so-called incurable diseases such as cancer are a few examples of how this silver liquid illuminated the darkness of this world. Though this new method has only been tested for a week or so, its results astonished the medical staff involved in its implementation. The chief doctor of the hospital was a man by the name of Doctor Eziekial Krowebourne, he had just finished an operation and requested that his nurse disposed of the now tainted mercury.
Like many things though, Mercury was a double edged sword, and without proper disposal the results would be disastrous. Of course no one informed the kind doctor that the nurse was new to the job, and what she did next was not her fault, after all no one expected her to be dealing with the miracle liquid. She tossed the canister into the incinerator, located underneath the Doctor's on site living quarters, the silver liquid sloshed lazily in the air before it became engulfed in flames, a thin trail of smoke escaped into the room above. Many hours passed, the smoke became clear and odorless as it slowly filled the room. The doctor soon found himself exhausted, too tired to drive home, he excused himself after clocking out and went upstairs for some well earned rest. He tossed and turned that night, a bizarre intoxicating aroma filled his nostrils ever so often, and with every scent his surreal dream-scapes became darker, they soon became inescapable macabre nightmares.
The morning dawn crept up like a snake, awakening with it a murder of crows perched by the doctor's window. Though to him they formed a lovely symphony as if composed by a famous orchestra. Stretching he opened his eyes, dark black bags under them gave him the appearance of a corpse. He quickly prepared for the day and donned his crisp, clean lab coat and smiled at himself in the mirror. He proceeded about his daily routine, clocking in and checking his schedule for the day and spoke out loud," That's odd...well if the schedule says so." He went down to the room of his next location, pulling on his gloves tightly, next he pulled on his surgical mask, making sure the corpse was secured properly. Of course unknown to the doctor, the patient was actually alive and was scheduled for a regular check-up. His questions were answered by the blade of a scalpel, as the doctor started his autopsy. The man couldn't even scream as the doctor had unknowingly decided to stick his fingers into the man's mouth, causing a low mumble to escape rather than the expected high decibel screaming. Nodding Dr. Krowe began to write down some notes on a clipboard, ' Patient seems to have died from alcohol poisoning as the liver contains high levels of toxins.' Satisfied with his job he then proceeded out of his door to his next destination, the few remaining patients and staff in the building smelled something unique and a strange silvery mist seemed to flow through the hospital.
He soon found himself at his second destination, the maternity ward...though he did not know this. The woman inside was named Katherine and she was eight months pregnant. Checking his clip board Dr. Krowebourne sighed," Another autopsy? Well I guess someone has to do it." He switched to a fresh mask and a fresh pair of gloves, using his back to let himself into the doorway and into the room. Downstairs a nurse screamed and dropped a tray of pills and water, the sound echoed around, stirring up commotion among those present in the hospital. Back upstairs the doctor was making quick work of his job, the autopsy was being written as bronchial constriction due to a foreign object, his wedding band was lodged in the woman's throat because the latex glove ripped open. The disaster, if you couldn't figure it out by now, is that mercury has a tendency to cause mercury poisoning, the deterioration of brain cells, causing one to essentially become clinically insane in certain doses, and our fair doctor inhaled quite a bit of it in his troubled sleep.
The remaining survivors were made up of about thirteen people at the moment, two nurses and three uninjured guests, the rest were in here for some sort of treatment, however their treatment won't be quite what they would have expected. Their pitiful cries down below captured the attention of the doctor, he knew he had inhaled the mercury now, but he liked the feeling it gave him, knowing he had jsut murdered two people and a fetus, he felt in conrtol. From the perspectives of the survivors they were trapped, the cold metal doors kept them inside, and loud metallic noises could be heard on the floor just above their heads. Panicking they all ran down the hallway, grabbing what they could use as weapons, two quiet guttural noises rang out, their numbers were down to eleven now, and they still didn't know who was picking them off. They heard chuckling from around the corner and one patient slowly approached it, falling dead as a scalpel impaled his eye, no doubt deep into his cerebrum. The remaining ten ran off as fast as they could, barricaded themselves in the closest room, though they did not notice, that it had two doors. Though nothing would make them even decide to look, it was dead silent now, now even the wind was present to remind the survivors they were still alive and breathing, nothing to remind them that might end very soon. A low creak from behind them made them all turn around frantically, the back door slightly ajar, reveal the doctors face, lightly salted in blood, a ripped mask barely concealing his grin, his eyes lightly glazed over from the mercury. The two nurses ran, forcing their way out of the barricade, as they did so the fair doctor tugged on some strings, and they sliced themselves apart on the web of razor wiring just outside the door. One of the healthy patients screamed loudly and ran forward, jamming an iv stand into the shoulder of the mass murderer in front of them, his own scream rang out as he retreated for now, no doubt plotting how to continue to pick away at them, slowly tearing their futile resistance apart. the group huddled together, they could tell they at least wounded him, his blood trailed off past the door that was black and foreboding, but they also knew they were still no match, after all 5 of them were patients they were not fit for this nightmarish turn of events.
Before they knew it they found themselves in another part of the hospital, they must have fallen asleep they reasoned, a low moaning was now the sole surviving noise that reached their ears. they had learned however, not to go inspect every strange noise since, one slight misstep would cause them their very lives. They noticed however the noise seemed to grow louder and a scraping sound could be heard. A man was crawling up to them, his entrails cut apart and trailed under his body as he reached out, a scalpel lay buried into his throat. Gagging, one of the well stepped backwards, and fell through the floor as far as anyone could tell at least, but of course the doctor wasn't the only one who would be affected by the noxious wisps of gaseous mercury. The man shuffled closer and grabbed one of them by the foot, his chronic moaning escalated and he began to crawl up the leg-- and just like that the seven were back in their barricaded room, the window lay shattered and one man was crumpled up at the base of the valley this side of the hospital was built next to. Seeing as the window was so easily broken everyone decided to try and escape through the front and proceeded about heading back there, almost every way was blocked, except for one that was in almost too perfect of a condition, they knew it had to be a trap but they had no other choice, using gurney's as shields they pressed forward. Their vision began to alter as they stepped into that hallway, everything became a cold blue shade, and a woman laid down on the ground crying, her stomach was ripped open, and her intestines seemed to move of their own will, snaking out of the body and around the room. They walked closer, one man fell victim to the morbid tube of flesh, the end was tied up with medical instruments, such as bone saws and scalpels. They looked around, this was just a hallucination to them, but who knew what was happening in the real world. The next man walked too close to the woman, and she dragged him down to her, devouring his flesh swiftly.
Too much to bear, the five just covered their eyes and charged forward, one man felt the crisp air of a winter afternoon, and the sounds of the others screaming echoed in his ears. He soon slumped on the ground and let the embrace of sleep take him. He awoke to the sounds of sirens, though he was still at the hospital it was now taped off with the familiar black and yellow tape. Seeing him come to a police officer began to question him and began to drive away so he could tell them everything that happened. He began to tell the tale as soon as the officer was in the drivers seat, glancing back to see a figure on the roof, his bloodied lab coat fluttered in the wind, and he was gone. Many hours later the man returned to his home, shivering after what he heard after his story was done, the hospital looked empty but it was completely empty...nothing was out of place except for the lack of life...not so much as a speck of dust slept there. He shook his head telling himself it was just a dream and managed to lie down in his bed and got some real sleep for the first time in nearly two days, he never woke up and when police responded to a call they found him in his bed, a scalpel buried into his forehead, a smile carved onto his face.